"Love Brings Unity" - Part 3

Today, we resume looking at threats to oneness.

3. Inevitable difficulties

Difficulties in marriage are inescapable, but two common failures further complicate this. The first is a failure to anticipate them – we simply miss or ignore the warning signs. The second is a failure to properly respond. Instead of doing so in a loving way that considers our spouse’s position, we often respond defensively by putting our own interests or solutions first.

Difficulties are common and does not mean something is wrong with a marriage. But our response will either drive us apart or bind us together. The key to maintaining oneness is having a plan to move through difficult times without rejecting or withdrawing from your spouse.

4. Extramarital affairs

Though adultery immediately comes to mind, a better definition of an extramarital affair is an escape from reality or a search for fulfillment outside of marriage. Examples can include an overindulgence in activities, careers, material goods, families, and fantasies (including pornography or romantic novels). Here are some reasons why affairs are so prevalent and how they evolve. First, society constantly inundates us with the wrong message that we deserve complete fulfillment and happiness. This seduces people to develop unrealistic expectations and an improper perception of reality. In doing so, they begin to compare these expectations and fantasies to their real life situation. This often leads them to question reality, not their fantasies. And so they frequently choose to escape through extramarital affairs rather than do the hard work of rebuilding their marriage. This ultimately leads to isolation, which will destroy unity as well as threaten the marriage itself.

5. Selfishness

You may be tired of hearing about this, but it’s clearly a threat to oneness. We not only have a natural tendency towards selfishness, but today’s culture promotes and encourages it. Our selfish nature focuses on and becomes critical of our spouse’s weaknesses, mistakes, and failures to meet our expectations. Our disapproval leads them to feel rejected, discouraged, angry, and bitter. This can negatively affect their response, thereby setting up a dangerous, downward spiral.

Understanding threats to oneness is important to avoid the following, all too common scenario. In the romantic phase of dating, responsibilities are minimal - plus the relationship is characterized by intense feelings that may not be sustainable. In the reality phase of early marriage, couples uncover more flaws about each other as responsibilities grow and pressure mounts. If a couple chooses not to follow the path of genuine love, they next enter a renovation phase where they attempt to “make over” their spouse to adapt to their preferences. This seldom works, leading to the retaliation phase which is characterized by despair as resentment and bitterness turns into harmful words and actions. And finally comes the rejection phase, where emotional separation or divorce itself occurs as the inevitable result of ongoing marital isolation.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Oneness can be restored through effective communication, employing good conflict resolution techniques, and learning to follow love’s call. Doing this is a tall task, but we have a supernatural power at our disposal – God’s grace. Through His gracious gift of Jesus Christ, we are forgiven, loved and accepted. It can never be earned and we certainly don’t deserve it. Real love shows unending grace. If you truly desire oneness with your spouse, learn to avoid what threatens it. And always shower them with grace, just as the Holy Trinity has blessed you.