Today we shift our focus from defining Cruciform Love to seeing what it looks like in action. To do so, I have condensed Paul Tripp’s 22 point list into five major areas.

I. Love is willing to invest time & energy.

Love is willing to have your life complicated and interrupted by your spouse’s needs. One of love’s greatest challenge is to abandon your comfortable and predictable life in order to fulfill the needs of another. This includes being a good student of your spouse so you can help bear their burden and encourage them. (See “Love seeks to understand” - 1/22/21). Love also calls you to invest the necessary time to discuss, examine, and understand the problems you face as a couple. Problems will come, but remember that God can use them to take you beyond your limits and live together in dependency on him.

Let’s build on last week’s sacrificial love theme using material from Paul Tripp’s “What did you Expect?” Tripp draws upon 1 John 4:7-21, so I encourage you to pause and read it. He asserts that the best definition of love comes from the most significant event in human history - the Cross. Jesus’ sacrifice is the perfect picture of what love is and does. And in this passage, John calls us to “cruciform love” — a love that shapes itself to the cross of Jesus (see verses 10 & 11).

People frequently comment that “Life can be hard”. But let’s be honest, we usually see this as our life is hard. We’re the first ones to feel it when things are tough for us. And we are quick to express our displeasure when we feel deprived or unappreciated. When our life is difficult, we notice.

Sadly, we often don’t notice life is tough for our spouse until they start complaining about it. And instead of sincerely caring and sharing their burdens, we may simply conclude that they have a bad attitude. The pain and pressure they are under doesn’t register with us nearly as much as our pain and pressure. When we complain, we want everyone to understand and sympathize with us. Yet we tend not to do so for our mate.

Last week’s message focused on problems that arise if we constantly live with high expectations. When hopes are dashed daily, our natural reaction is to communicate frustration with our spouse. Rather than motivate them to do things differently, this will likely cause them to either walk away or dig in deeper.

But love is too smart for that. Instead of putting your spouse in a difficult position where they are set up to fail, love exhorts you to give them grace and room to be themselves. You may be a goal-oriented person who places high demands on yourself, but love calls you to lead by example and not force those same standards on your partner.

Marriage has a way of altering our vision. We often begin expecting our spouse to continually fulfill our dreams and make us happy. But this is impossible for anyone to sustain long term. Holding on to unrealistic expectations breeds disappointment. And the higher our expectations, the more likely our spouse will fail and frustrate us. Couples living like this set each other up for daily failure and will spend most of their marriage in constant disappointment. This can lead to a myriad of harmful behaviors and serious consequences, including the possibility of divorce.

Two important actions were mentioned at the end of last week’s message — confess and repent. As we conclude, we will learn more about how they integrate with responsibility. And we will also see how these three relate to another essential element we have discussed before — forgiveness.

Let’s begin with repentance. This is far more than a simple “I’m sorry” or a quick fix to defuse a difficult situation. It requires a sincere apology and intent to correct a wrongful behavior going forward. As imperfect beings, we continue to mess up (see Romans 7:15–20), but this does not excuse us from trying to do better. Growing a heart of repentance takes time and practice because our pride resists responsibility. However, humility and honesty before God and your spouse are crucial to a healthy marriage. This doesn’t mean you are always in the wrong or should become a doormat. But if something is not right between you and God or between you and your spouse, correcting that is a priority.

The Kendrick brothers hit a home run writing this chapter, so much of what you will read comes directly from their book. They start by noting many research-proven benefits of marriage. Married people are overall happier, healthier, more productive, live longer, and have better sex lives. They also produce healthier, happier children. The takeaway is that our spouse can add a tremendous amount of value to our lives. But the benefits depend on how responsible we are at taking proper care of our marriages. That’s why taking personal responsibility is one of love’s greatest requests. Responsibility is not always fun or popular, but it is vital in determining whether a marriage is a glorious oneness or a devastating failure.

Last week ended in a dark and difficult position – in prison due to unforgiveness. Each of us has likely been there at some point in our lives, but obviously it is not where we want to spend our time. We previously mentioned that Jesus holds the key to freedom, so keep this in mind as we consider three key questions on forgiveness.

Why should we forgive? We cannot change the past, but we can choose to forgive by not keeping a record of wrongs. Paul Tripp notes that failing to repent and forgive will cause a marriage to be ‘stuck’ in the past — stuck in a cycle of blame, hopelessness, and repeating the same things over and over again without resolution.

After spending considerable time on “Love protects”, we now transition to our next topic, “Love forgives”. I tend to view protection as a proactive step to avoid a problem, whereas forgiveness is a response when something has gone wrong. The Kendricks call forgiveness one of the toughest challenges of Love Dare. They go on to say that “Forgiveness has to happen, or a successful marriage won’t.” Tim Keller makes this powerful statement: “I don’t know anything more important in marriage than the ability to forgive fully, freely, unpunishingly, from the heart.” I believe these statements hold true for any marriage, but perhaps especially so for troubled marriages because the chance of rebuilding without forgiveness is impossible.

Last week concentrated on how and why marriages fail. Today we will hear from Paul Tripp on ways to protect against this. First, recall his statement that marriage occurs within the battlefield of spiritual warfare. This means a marriage must be vertically aligned with God before it can be horizontally aligned with your spouse. The place to win this battle is on your knees in prayer. We cannot quit seeking God’s help for our marriage. Every day we face temptations and unexpected issues. Every day we are called to fight against what is wrong. Every day we are called to sacrifice something in order to capture an opportunity to love.

Protecting our marriage is crucial because it does not exist in a vacuum; it exists within the battlefield of spiritual warfare. Marriages not only face external threats, but can also be undermined from within. Paul Tripp lists six fundamentals for a healthy Christian marriage, including “We will work to protect our marriage.” We recently studied the need to protect against harmful behaviors and catastrophic issues. Tripp focuses on a different perspective — how marriages can suffer from a culmination of little things that causes a couple to drift apart.

The natural progression of lust is from eyes to heart to action, followed by shame and regret. God provides everything necessary for full, productive lives. He even blesses us beyond our basic needs through His Word, love, and Spirit. Yet we still want more, so we foolishly chase worldly pleasures. Lust often results in trying to fulfill selfish desires in illegitimate ways. For some, this may mean pursuing sexual fulfillment through fantasy, pornography or an affair.

Lust however, is not confined to sexual desires. People also lust after money, possessions, power, status, and more. We see what others have and want it. Our hearts are deceived into thinking we will be happier if we can somehow obtain the object of our desire. And so, we go after it. Some even justify this by claiming they are “entitled to it.” But that is the world’s view, not God’s.

Today, we continue our discussion on Love Protects by examining two more issues that threaten marriages.

Sexual temptation. We need to constantly be on guard concerning opposite-sex relationships, whether at work or elsewhere, to avoid having our heart “emotionally stolen” from our spouse. Social network sites and even staring at pictures of old friends and flames are additional avenues that can lure us away. Remember, Satan will deceptively use whatever means available to destroy marriages. Any relationship that draws our affection away from our spouse has already gone too far. Wisdom exhorts us to be extra cautious when around those we find most appealing and attractive. Keep them at a greater emotional distance to lessen the chance of sexual temptation.

“Love protects” follows closely on the heels of our trust and faithfulness themes. Every marriage will face a wide variety of threats, so “protection” can be analyzed from several different angles. Love Dare chooses to examine destructive behaviors that can sabotage and destroy individual lives as well as marriages. Responsibility, not indifference, is necessary to guard against these attacks. Love must be willing to fight to protect ourselves, our spouse, and our marriage.

The next three messages will cover difficult and sensitive material that will apply to some more than others. If your marriage is on solid ground, this may be less relevant to you than other themes we have covered. Nevertheless, I ask your indulgence as this will hopefully offer much needed encouragement for anyone dealing with these issues. Here are some major threats Love Dare addresses.

Our previous “Love is faithful” message challenged us to love our spouse, even when they have lost interest in receiving it. Tim Keller’s book, “The Meaning of Marriage”, looks at faithful love from a different perspective - why to continue loving even when we have lost the feeling of love.

Biblical love needs to be an action far more than an emotion. The essence of this love, and Christian marriage as well, is a sacrificial commitment to the good of the other. It is not measured by how much you want to receive, but by how much you are willing to give of yourself.

Love is the basis of Christianity; it’s what sets us apart. As God’s beloved children, Jesus commands us to love God with all our heart, soul, strength and mind as well as to love one another (Luke 10:27). But what happens when the love we were created to share is no longer accepted by our spouse? Love Dare uses Hosea’s story to answer this.

God instructs Hosea to marry an adulteress woman. This sounds crazy, but there is divine logic behind it. God wants this marriage to reflect the unconditional love that He has for His people. Hosea marries Gomer, but she was unwilling to remain faithful to him. She rejects his love for the lust of others. Later, God tells Hosea to show his love to his wife again. Now being sold as a slave, he pays to redeem Gomer and take her back.

This title may come as a surprise, yet many have asked this over the past year. Today, I am sharing a presentation by Dave & Ann Wilson from Family Life on this question that also connects with our past three messages. They first comment on our tendency to believe that everything in our lives, including marriage, will be easier if we just “add a little Jesus”. But the truth is, even faithful followers will experience “Valleys” of pain and suffering.

The first message of this trilogy, “Love is impossible”, identified that we are incapable of supplying unconditional love on our own. We followed this by acknowledging our need for Jesus, both individually and at the center of our marriage. If you have accepted Christ, the Holy Spirit dwells within you. It fills your heart with love, grace, and power which can be released into everything you do, including your marriage. But know that walking closely with God is not a part-time proposition; you need Him daily.

Our previous message, “Love is impossible”, lays the foundation for this week and next. But first, it is worth noting that Love Dare was written not only to strengthen marriages, but also to address those who do not know Christ.

The material in these three chapters is probably familiar to most believers, so some will be tempted to gloss over it. Others may feel that they contain too much theology and not enough practical application. Regardless of your opinion on the content and presentation, do not to overlook this foundational truth — Jesus needs to be at the center of your marriage. Continuing from last time in 1 John 4, verse 8 says, “The one who does not love does not know God.” This challenges us to grasp God’s deep love for us. He not only created and sustains us, but has given us the gift of His son Jesus Christ (see John 3:16).

As we progress through the Love Dare series, you may have discovered a secret. It is impossible to manufacture unconditional (agape) love from your imperfect heart. It is beyond your capacity and you simply cannot work hard enough to produce this from within. At times, you might display traits such as patience, kindness and thoughtfulness. But the task of consistently loving someone unselfishly and unconditionally is a totally different matter.

Think about how many times your love has failed to prevent a myriad of sins - deceit, manipulation, lust, envy, judgmental thinking, unkind actions, anger, unwillingness to end an argument, apologize or forgive, plus many more. This is a product of humanity’s sinful condition. We have all have fallen short of God’s standards (Romans 3:23) and need His forgiveness. If you are not in a right relationship with God, it is impossible to sacrificially love your spouse. You cannot give what you don’t have, nor love others in greater measure than what you possess.